Week 7: One of These Women Is a Secret Genius
The Harr-em moves to a spa for a day of mini-dates. During these dates, I become 95% certain that he will eliminate Rose and Kelley, but we’ll see. He clearly has a huge crush on Kimberly and he clearly likes making out with Karina. The next day they have a toga party for Fake Harry’s fake birthday. This is getting embarrassing. (I’m sure Mike is reading this thinking, “GETTING?”)1 In one breath the women are talking about how classy this toga party is; in the next they are playing Toga Tangle (i.e. Twister) and Kingsley is telling Kelley to put her foot on “a 69” panel. For such a stupid show, the levels of irony are absolutely brilliant. They play a “game” where they all make out with a blindfolded Fake Harry. Kelley says, “I think he liked the way I kissed him. At least, it felt like it. Teehee!” Yep. How to get a show cancelled: boner jokes. Karina wins the kissing game, anyway. Kelley and her excessive tongue are jealous.
Then Fake Harry makes a big mistake when he says his brother William is 30. Every self-respecting woman knows that Prince William was born June 21, 1982, or at least any self-respecting woman who had a huge crush on him in 1997 does. *Cough.* Oddly enough, it’s queen ditz Rose who puts it all together and figures out that the whole damn show is a huge sham. Fortunately, she decides not to tell the other girls right away. Way more fun this way.
They all plan individual dates for Fake Harry. Kelley takes him on a bike ride and picnic and gives him a bouquet of flowers, which is extremely emasculating. He does not kiss her, which is telling. Kimberly plans a bungee jump for adventurous Prince Harry, but unfortunately it’s unadventurous Fake Harry who has to feign enthusiasm and do it. Karina has a dull wine-tasting date, while Rose just has glasses of wine by a fireplace. Yawn. Later, after the longest elimination deliberations in British history, he sends home Rose. To his credit, he tells her she is right, that he is not Prince Harry. That is the only credit that I will give this lying dickwad.
Week 8: The Final Shitshow
The final 3 all have individual dates at various London landmarks. Kelley once again spends her entire date complaining about the other girls. Hasn’t she watched The Bachelor? This technique never works. Karina makes out with him the whole time. Kimberly gets a super-obvious winner’s edit, as she has all season. I would say “spoiler alert,” but nobody cares at this point. After the dates, Fake Harry sends Kelley home, as expected.
Kimberly and Karina have a winter wonderland date with Fake Harry. I think a large part of the reason he’s so captivated by Kimberly is because she is very soft-spoken. He clearly doesn’t like loud, drunk women, and she is a quiet, probably-drunk woman. The fake snow in this winter wonderland makes Fake Harry look like he has Real Psoriasis.
Later that night, he sends Karina home. Hilariously, she leaves without saying a word to him, but not before he can basically hug-rape her as she’s trying to go. “The embarrassing thing is, I was so wrong about love.” Oh honey, you don’t even know how wrong you were.
Fake Harry chooses Kimberly and reveals his true identity with no emotion whatsoever. He truly is a sociopath. Fortunately, Kimberly likes him anyway! Hooray! Fireworks! A nation dries its tears of joy! Kingsley comes out and drops a surprise twist on them: they get to split $250,000 because they are staying together. WOW. I would make out with Fake Harry (or “Matt”) for that. Kimberly and Matt ride off into the sunset on the same tandem bike that Kelley used for their final 4 date, LOL.
The end! May there never be a season two!
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- “We passed ‘getting’ before we started this journey.” -Mike ↵