I Wanna Marry “Harry”: Royal Flushed

Fox decided they wanted to bury "Harry"
I Wanna Marry "Harry" (Photo: Daniel Smith / Fox)

To the shock and dismay of nobody, I Wanna Marry “Harry” has been cancelled. But how does it end?

Mike and I have been taking it for the team and watching I Wanna Marry “Harry” every week. Naturally, we were devastated* when it was unceremoniously cancelled. The remaining four episodes were posted online, though, so good news: you still don’t have to watch it! I can tell you how it ends! And along the way, if I can dig through the horse-muck and find some “highlights,” all the better.

*amused

Week 5: America, F*** Yeah

Everything is America-themed, because we really want the world to be reminded of what great nation this Harr-em of idiots hails from. Kelley goes on a diner date with Fake Harry. It is boring. The next day at breakfast, despite all the first-episode promises that the show would not lie outright, Kingsley tells the ladies that Sir is indeed Prince Harry. Later, all the girls are forced to participate in a humiliating pageant to become “Miss Deerside.” They each perform a “talent.” Maggie does a cheer, the cadence of which completely rips off the movie Bring It On. Meghan tells a terrible joke. Kimberly plays a foot piano in high heels, which is the most impressive routine of the day (sadly). Rose dresses as a slutty preschool teacher (because…that’s every man’s fantasy?) and teaches the women Wrong CPR on Fake Harry. I feel like everything about that little scene is so false that physics grad students should study it. Jacqueline does an elaborate hula hoop dance. Karina does a salsa lap dance. Kelley performs a square dance that is much more whorish than the square dancing I see the elderly folks do at my local recreation center every fourth Friday of the month. Next up is the swimsuit competition-slash-interview! I will spare you the tragic details. Jacqueline and her hula hoop win the whole damn pageant, and she wears the winner’s tiara everywhere for the rest of the episode.

Later on there is a carnival. Meghan TMIs that she is excited about getting her hands on his crown jewels. And there goes my appetite. This show is the best diet ever. Kimberly wins a corndog-eating contest, which I guess is something a man would want to know about a potential life partner. At the end, Drunk Maggie was sent home to detox, and Big-Boobs Meghan got the Crown Suite.

Week 6: Meghan’s Boobs, Meghan’s Boobs, Meghan’s Boobs

The Harr-em goes out for a competitive bootcamp workout while Meghan gets one-on-one time with Fake Harry. Meghan distinguishes herself as the WORST tennis player on planet Earth, and later she tongues Fake Harry and makes me nauseous.  Kelley wins the bootcamp challenge and gets a massage with Fake Harry. She spends the entire time ranting about Big-Boobs Meghan and how Meghan has such big boobs and all she cares about are her big boobs. It sounds like Kelley cares more about Meghan’s big boobs than anyone, including Fake Harry, but that’s neither here nor there. Fake Harry is completely nonplussed by all this.

At a group date at a pub, the girls gang up on Meghan, much to Fake Harry’s chagrin. He doesn’t know what to think! How about that ALL these women are crazy, irrational examples of what not to date? Another group date (casino night) is still all about Meghan. This is so friggin’ boring, it makes me want to day-drink. Finally, he sends Kimberly to the Crown Suite for the second time and kicks Jacqueline out of the manor. I am struck by the fact that Jacqueline was outside with Fake Harry and he didn’t offer her his jacket, even though it’s cold enough that their breath is visible. Not princely behavior, asshole. Oh but wait, there’s more: he sends Meghan home too! Bye bye, boobs. Kelley will miss you.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
Contact: Twitter
  • Aaron Mucciolo

    Clare, please – you don’t have to subject yourself to this level of torment ever again. The site isn’t that important. Think of your children. Or any children. The point is: good lord.

    • Clare Snyder

      Please, darling, do I look/sound like a woman who has, or cares about, children? 😉

      • Aaron Mucciolo

        Think of childish adults? I just worry about you….

        • Clare Snyder

          You SHOULD be worried! I actually found this show somewhat entertaining! …perhaps I should get an MRI immediately.

          • Aaron Mucciolo

            THIS IS WHY YOUR NON-EXISTANT CHILDREN CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

          • You weren’t the only one. Previously and The Fug Girls are still doing coverage. God bless summer programming.