That Happened: Petals on the Wind

Corrine is probably out of the running for Mother of the Year.
Petals in the Wind (Photo: Danny Feld / Lifetime)

The highly-anticipated sequel Petals on the Wind is exactly as good as you thought it would be. For better or worse.

The highly-anticipated sequel to Flowers in the Attic, Petals on the Wind, is exactly as good as you thought it would be. For better or worse.

We begin at a funeral, “10 years after the attic,” as the Expository Caption helpfully tells us. God, if it took Grandma Hag this long to die, I will have apoplexy. The “kids” are now 10 years older, obviously, and played by different actors, so I really hope they reintroduce all these bitches.

Cathy (Incest girl from last movie) gives an Expository Eulogy explaining that the dead person is a man named Paul who took them in and adopted them when they were stuck at a bus depot with $30 in their pockets. Hey, if I were broke I would adopt these incestuous shits for $30 too. The kids walk away from the gravesite in slow motion and the younger girl Carrie drops flower petals. Into the wind. We GET IT, MOVIE.

At the post-funeral luncheon, Carrie frets that they will have to go live with a Hag-like person now that their new daddy is dead. Don’t worry, little one! Paul left you his house!

Oh shit, Heather Graham (Mother) is still alive and is now medicated. And married! Cathy calls Heather and Heather promptly hangs up on her. Glad to see that’s all settled. Cathy and Christopher (Incest boy)1 have a heart to heart about it and share meaningful looks and touches. I predict they will bang within the next hour (spoiler alert: within the next 15 minutes).

Cathy is a ballerina now? Christ. Her ballet teacher of course has a hot son named Julian who also dances. He reminds me very much of a (slightly) less slutty Cooper Nielsen. He tapes Cathy’s toes in a flirtatious way (a sentence I never dreamed I would write).

Carrie is sent a hate note during sex education class. Meanwhile, we find out that Christopher is some kind of medical student who is flirting with his supervisor’s hot daughter. We GET IT, MOVIE. The love quadrangle is established.

Hag is alive! She looks terrible and has apparently had a stroke. Heather has no sympathy, especially after Hag is babbling about Heather’s terrible parenting from the previous movie to every nurse who will listen. Those wacky stroke victims! The things they say! Heather is trying to get Hag to go to a nursing home but she is all “bitch, this is my house! Do not let the door hit you where I split you (with a belt)!”

Cathy and Julian are on a date drinking moonshine out of mason jars and having an angry/sexy conversation about whether or not Cathy chases perfection. Just bone already. He invites her to come to New York and dance with his company. Girl, if you accept that offer you’re gonna have to put out.

When Cathy gets home, her brother Christopher interrupts her in a state of undress and admonishes her to preserve her virtue. Too late, asshole, you took her virginity in a filthy attic. They make out. That’s your SISTER, MAN! He goes for the ass grab and I am so sad right now, you guys. They hump. I am dry-heaving.

Later, in bed, Cathy says she is going to New York with Julian and it is revealed that she was pregnant with Christopher’s baby at one point and had a miscarriage. She tells him to find another woman to love. Oops, Carrie is listening in on their conversation. Please, God, do not let Christopher fall in love with THAT sister next.

  1. Played by uber-religious Matt from Survivor: Redemption Island!” – Mike  

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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