This week on The Bachelorette, Andi gets to know her “bro”-thel. Not all of it is worth knowing.
DO be shirtless when Andi shows up at the mansion. If you can make your pecs dance, it’s a bonus.
DO be adventurous, and brag constantly about the adventures you have already been on without the Bachelorette.
DON’T be shy with the liquor. Slurring “how’s BARE spelled?” shows how marriage-minded you are. CRAIG.
DON’T hit on the other guys. No matter how much you think Josh is “the total package.” CRAIG.
DO give Chris Harrison a lap dance.
DON’T expect a one-on-one date if your profession is “pantsapreneur.”
DO give her a homemade date card! “Let’s get it popping” is cute, clever, and may refer to boners. It’s perfect.
DO as Marquel does and wear a blinding combination of patterned tie, plaid shirt, and striped socks in all different colors. Apparently that turns Andi on.
DON’T play the guitar if you can’t play the guitar. CRAIG.
DO have a terrible haircut and drench yourself in product. Apparently that turns Andi on.
Leaving tonight: Carl (who?); Nick S. (golfer, Craig’s drinking buddy); CRAIG (fucking Craig).
Next week on The Bachelorette: two episodes in two nights! Goddammit. The remaining 16 manwhores will butcher Boyz II Men songs, play against a WNBA team, and cause Andi great offense.