I Wanna Marry “Harry” – Dear God, No

"Prince Harry" meets the women competing for his hand.
I Wanna Marry "Harry" (Photo: Chris Raphael / Fox)

Should you be watching I Wanna Marry “Harry”? Depends on whether you want to suffer eternal damnation.

Show

I Wanna Marry “Harry”, Tuesdays 9/8c on Fox.

Premise

Twelve American simpletons are brought to a mansion in England to compete for the affection of a mystery man. He sort of resembles Prince Harry, so these morons assume it is Prince Harry, and that somehow Prince Harry would have trouble finding his own goddamn dates and require a reality competition to find an American wife who swears a lot and uses too much bronzer. A woman will be eliminated each week until there is one left, when “Harry” will reveal his true, broke-ass identity and hope this bitch still wants anything to do with him. True love: built on a combination of television and lies.

Pedigree

It is Joe Millionaire for the next generation, designed more for quantity (of hatred) than quality (of anything).

Who is I Wanna Marry “Harry” For?

This show is ideal for people who either ironically love The Bachelorette, or unironically loved Jersey Shore.

What Works

The women are flawlessly vapid. This show would not work without a perfect group of dingbats who are too American to know what Prince Harry really looks/sounds/acts like, and these girls deliver. They cannot tell the difference between a true ginger like Harry and an obvious blond like Matt (“Harry’s” real name). They cannot tell the difference between a guy with a working-class accent and a prince speaking Received Pronunciation. And they cannot tell the difference between themselves and quality wife material, let alone wife material for fourth in line to the throne of England.

What Doesn’t Work

Harry/Matt is kind of a dick, and a young dick (23 years old) at that. It’s hard to “buy” him as 29-year-old Prince Harry, who enjoys partying and would never complain that a loud, drunk girl is too loud (or too drunk). Also, I’m pretty sure that anyone who watches this show will be sentenced to one of the outer levels of Hell like in Dante’s Inferno. Not like with the murderers, or anything, but maybe the shoplifters and public urinators.

Verdict

If you are an atheist or have already committed damnable crimes, then I Wanna Marry “Harry” is the perfect summer entertainment for you! Everyone else may want to have a crucifix handy, because this is, no joke, the most appalling hour of television I have ever seen. Naturally, I will watch every episode.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

Contact: Twitter
  • Aaron Mucciolo

    Oo! Surprise twist there at the end!

    • Clare Snyder

      I qualify as a fan of this show, because I 1) ironically enjoy “The Bachelorette”, and 2) have committed plenty of damnable sins 🙂