The Bachelor: Rules of the Rose Week 5

The Bachelor (Photo: ABC)
The Bachelor (Photo: ABC)

The Bachelor and his harem spend a week in Vietnam. That country has come so far since the war, and now these morons have to go ruin it again.

The Bachelor and his harem spend a week in Vietnam. That country has come so far since the war, and now these morons have to go ruin it again.

DO get screen time before week 5. I swear we’ve never seen Alli before tonight, and that always means certain doom.

DO let Juan Pablo analyze your measurements at the tailor’s. Men always have a right to know what kind of goods a gal’s got. It is not creepy or inappropriate whatsoever. Do you want a rose or not, Renee?

DON’T wear a bra. Your boob job requires no assistance! Have confidence, ladies!

DO be gullible enough to think that this random Vietnamese “family” just happened to invite you in for lunch, give you racist hats, and force you into white slavery in their garden. (Sorry, that was cynical.)

DON’T skip leg day at the gym. You need flawless gams for the endless shots of your hot self in short shorts. Remember, girls, it’s about finding true love.

DO refer to kissing as “sucking face,” like Andi did. Nothing is more professional, as an assistant district attorney, than using junior-high terminology with regard to your televised sexual encounters.

DO get “wild” in the ocean with the bachelor whenever you have a chance. If you imply strongly that you got to third base on national television, you will prove what a great stepmother you’d be.

DON’T be a Debbie Downer, Nikki. If you are terrified of heights and Juan Pablo tells you to jump into a bottomless cave, by God, you’d better do it with a smile on your face. Otherwise you don’t trust him, and trusting a man who has 10 other girlfriends is the most natural thing in the world.

DON’T be shocked that what you do with Juan Pablo is going to be televised to millions of people, including Camila and priests and your parents and your boss. Frankly, if you don’t want to appear whorish, DON’T do whorish things. (Clare.)

DO be memorable. Going home tonight: Danielle (who hardly ever speaks), Alli (who I swear we’ve never seen before), and Kelly (the “dog lover,” whatever that is).

Next week: New Zealand! Is it too much to ask that they throw Juan Pablo and a Neil Lane engagement ring into the fires of Mordor?

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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