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That Happened: Thoughts on Lifetime's Flowers in the Attic | Page 3 of 3 | What Else is On

That Happened: Thoughts on Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic

Hag whips Christopher for being a smart-ass, which is super romantic and leads to a hot and heavy make-out session with HIS SISTER, MAN! That’s your SISTER! Barftown, Population: Me!

Christopher pretends to repent to the ultra-religious Hag and uses the opportunity to make a mold of her master key. And somehow he uses that to whittle his own master key out of wood. Out of all the unrealistic stuff in this movie, that is by far the most egregious.

Finally the children craft an escape plan! It requires them to steal $1000 and apparently it requires Cathy to kiss her new stepfather while he’s sleeping in their mom’s swan bed. The WTF Factor is huge.

All their sexual frustration culminates in actual sex. Jesus, take the wheel. Christopher declares his undying love for HIS SISTER, MAN! At this point I am just curious how Christopher has maintained his god-like muscle tone despite having no access to a gym and limited calories for the last two years.

Heather and Cathy get into a Dynasty-style slap fight because Cory is dying of arsenic poisoning (spoiler alert) and Heather doesn’t give a crap. Cory dies. Everyone except Heather is very sad. At least the kids finally figure out that Heather cannot be trusted.

Finally the children implement their escape plan! Oh wait, first they need to run around and try their damnedest to get caught. This leads to Christopher overhearing that Grandpa died seven months ago. Uh oh, Spaghettios. He also discovers that Hag is very sickly and decrepit…more so than usual.

Why the hell don’t these kids just beat the crap out of their evil grandmother? She is old! And sickly! And decrepit! And she doesn’t have a gun or anything! Just kick her ass out the window and be done with it.

Turns out Hag is terrified of the attic. She tries to save her ass by saying Heather poisoned their donuts with arsenic, not her. The kids don’t care at this point and just leave her up there like they should have YEARS AGO, MY GOD.

They finally (for real this time) escape the premises, getting past the lone armed “guard” quite easily. They board a train to Sarasota, Florida, land of circus freaks and incest fans (don’t blame me, Sarasota, it’s the movie’s fault!), and vow that if they ever see their mom Heather again they’ll…be really, really pissed. Well, that was anti-climactic.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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