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That Happened: Thoughts on Lifetime's Flowers in the Attic | Page 2 of 3 | What Else is On

That Happened: Thoughts on Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic

Hag makes Heather take her shirt off and reveal her lashed-up back, which was her punishment for seducing (e.g. hunting with) Hag’s husband and then…marrying her half-uncle, I guess. It is unclear why that is worthy of corporal punishment.

Heather perkily enters the attic where her children have been sequestered for a month and brags about how she got to go sailing and is going out for a movie with a friend. Way to read a room, bitch. Then she drops the bomb: she can’t reveal their existence to her father, ever. Yay, indefinite imprisonment! At least he’s dying soon, right?

Cory passes out in a locked trunk during a game of hide and seek, and they “cure” him by putting him in a hot bath. “Yes, that is the remedy for oxygen deprivation,” said no doctor ever.

On Christmas day, Heather comes back to the kid’s dungeon and brags that her father is going to throw her a huge gala. No children allowed. Gee, thanks, Mom. But wait, Christopher and Cathy can go, as long as they hide in the bar and don’t make a sound. Hag is there to put a damper on things, too, implying strongly that Heather’s dress is inappropriately whorish. Ain’t no party like a Foxworth party!

The mysterious dying father gives Heather an emerald necklace during the party. She was already wearing a matching bracelet and earrings, so it must not have been that big a surprise.

Uh oh, now Heather is screaming at her kids just like her mother the hag. They do say it happens to every woman eventually.

Cathy asks Christopher why he wants to look at porn. Oh, honey. No. This leads to an extremely awkward “birds and bees” talk between Heather and Cathy, which I missed most of because I was hiding under my coffee table.

Hag walks in on a sordid scene with Christopher oogling Cathy’s goodies and says “either you cut your sister’s hair or none of you eat for a week!” While most logical people would immediately start trimming, they decided to instead subsist on crackers and (potentially) mice for a week. How friggin’ selfish is that? Then Hag tars Cathy’s hair anyway, because she is trying to make Cathy less sexually appealing to her brother. Spoiler alert: it won’t work.

Finally it occurs to these children to hatch an escape plan. They only had access to ropes and a window for over a year. But instead of making a real break for it, they decide to go for a creepy, incestuous swim in a pond. Well, that works too, I guess.

Heather returns after months away and informs the kids that she married her dying father’s attorney Bart! Congratulations! Except that the kids are a bit pissed off that they’ve been living in the attic for two years at this point. Also Bart doesn’t know the kids exist, which will make for a very interesting conversation at some point.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles
After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting "Whodunnit?" One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv
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