That Happened: Thoughts on Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic

Flowers in the Attic (Photo: Lifetime)
Flowers in the Attic (Photo: Lifetime)

Every child of the 1980s was probably thrilled to hear that Lifetime was remaking the classic film Flowers in the Attic. Is it better than the original book? Yes, if by “better” you mean “crazier.”

Every child of the 1980s was probably thrilled to hear that Lifetime was remaking the classic film Flowers in the Attic, based on the V.C. Andrews novel of the same name. Is it better than the original? Yes, if by “better” you mean “crazier.”

We open with a voiceover and a home tour. The voiceover is cheesy, and the house is covered in cobwebs. So far, so good!

Heather Graham, while never an impressive actress, has always been at her best when she needs to make out with men on camera. Plus, this line: “Look at me, I’m an ornament. The only thing I was ever good at is being pretty.”

Cathy’s dad gets a promotion and she starts sobbing hysterically because she won’t be the center of attention anymore. Her dad gives her a ring as a gift and she instantly feels better. Teenagers.

A surprise party for Dad’s promotion gets interrupted by the police, notifying them that Dad is dead. SURPRISE! *blows air horn* Let’s dig into that cake!

Heather’s acting in the scene where she tells the kids they’re moving to her parents’ house in Virginia is so bad that future generations of Razzie-award hopefuls will study it intensively. They board a train for their new life, where Heather plans to inherit her dying father’s estate, but the kids need to stay on the down-low and shut the hell up about it. I don’t see how this plan can fail.

Ellen Burstyn (for brevity I will refer to her as Hag) instantly starts shushing the children while they silently walk through the home. I am also delighted to see that she appears to be a religious fanatic! This movie keeps getting better!

Don’t worry, Hag, Heather assures you her “children are perfect, both physically and mentally.” What a relief. Hag locks the kids into the suite, which consists of a bedroom, bathroom and attic, just in case.

Christopher, as the man of the house, or rather the attic, is trying very hard to spin this to be less bleak. He is also shamelessly flirting with his sister Cathy. Maybe Hag was on to something with her strict “no fraternizing” rules.

Speaking of Christopher, his pecs are impossibly developed for a supposed teenager.

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About Clare Snyder 144 Articles

After writing for a few publications in college, Clare took an extended break to become a certified personal trainer, get huge blisters during marathons, and find a suitable triathlete/engineer to marry. In her spare time she partakes in many nerd hobbies including replaying Final Fantasy hundreds of times, cheering for the Green Bay Packers, and live-tweeting “Whodunnit?” One time Clare was given 43 hot sauce packets in a Taco Bell driveway. There is a strategy to it. E-mail: clare@whatelseison.tv

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