An Unfortunate Episode – Small Wonder Season 2 Episode 5: Home Sweet Homeless

Cut to Joan and Ted arguing about what to do with Roland. Ted rages, “If he calls me Dad one more time, I’m gonna wrap him in a blanket and leave him on somebody’s doorstep.” Cue the weak audience laugh. Even they don’t know what to do with this. [“They are surprisingly fickle for a laugh track.” — Mike]

“Ted, it’s only for a little while. Besides, what would my committee say if they found out their leader kicked out a homeless person?” No doubt they’d consider Joan unfit to spearhead their nonsense campaign.

But Ted is insistent, saying that Roland is grimy and he’s making Jamie believe that being homelessness is baller. Joan says that if they want to get rid of him, Ted should find him a job. “If he was working then he could afford a place of his own.” Ted taps his chin thoughtfully.

Cut to Roland checking himself out in the mirror, wearing Ted’s ugly red pants. Out of nowhere, he lectures the kids on the virtues of being a parasite. “No matter where I go in the world, Jamie, it’s never difficult to get money should I need it…As I once told my good friend P.T. Barnum, I said, ‘P.T., there’s a sucker born every minute.'”

Ted enters and greets everyone. Vicki says, “HI SUCKER.” She’ll probably pay for that later, but we appreciate it nevertheless.

Joan walks in just in time to hear Ted offer Roland a maintenance gig at the robotics plant. “You can start work in the morning.”

Roland practically vomits. “Work?!”

Joan is stunned by his reaction and wonders why he’d want to stay homeless. Roland argues he isn’t really one of “those people” because he chose this awesome life. “But everybody has to work,” she says.

Roland replies, “What in heaven’s name for? That’s a myth created by Republicans.” This show is a myth created by Republicans.

Smug Ted says, “Work happens to be how you achieve the good life.” You know, the kind in which a robot slave girl mixes your drinks and does your heavy lifting. This is when Roland breaks down Ted’s bourgeois fantasy, suggesting that working one’s ass off every day just to have a mortgage and car payments may not be the best of all possible worlds. Ted can’t wrap his head around this because he’s dumb, but Jamie sees the fun potential in being a drifter. Roland says, “C’mon Jamie, let’s wash up for dinner. I’ll tell you about pearl diving in Japan.” Presumably, he did that for fun and not pay, because pearl diving is such an easy, low risk activity.

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Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail: tara@whatelseison.tv
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