An Unfortunate Episode – Small Wonder Season 2 Episode 5: Home Sweet Homeless

In the next scene, we see Jamie back in the Lawson kitchen, assembling an enormous fucking sandwich. Nosy neighbor girl Harriet knocks on the back door. Jamie tries brushing her off but she barges in anyway. Then she tries to mooch his sandwich. Jamie says, “Harriet, you’ve got a home, a refrigerator, a mouth.” She gets all dreamy-eyed when he says “mouth”. (Oh, girl. You are so barking up the wrong tree. Also, he hates your guts.) Jamie continues, “Why don’t you go put those things together.” Burn. He tells Harriet to beat it because he has something important to do.

Cut to Joan and Ted entering the front door. Jamie greets them and asks how everything went at the TV station. Joan is thrilled to announce that Steve Morales will be aiding the Committee to Tell the Public to Aid the Homeless. But Jamie’s more excited about his thing. “Well, I’ve got some good news, too. Guess what I did today?” Enter Roland, wearing a pink bathrobe. “He’s what I did today!”

Ted and Joan are confused. Vicki walks in and hands Roland pink slippers, just like a good little robot slave girl. Jamie introduces his new homeless friend to his parents. Roland calls them Mom and Dad, then focuses his attention upon the Mrs. “What a lovely and beautiful lady,” he says as he kisses Joan’s hand. She can’t decide if she’s titillated or disgusted. Ted is just disgusted, especially when Roland tries to kiss his hand. Sorry about your homophobic dad, Jamie.

Roland accepts Jamie’s enormous fucking sandwich and adds, “I presume dinner will be around seven,” before retiring to his boudoir. Ted is pissed at his son. “Why can’t you bring home a stray dog, like other kids?” Jamie reminds him what they discussed earlier about helping the homeless. Joan shuffles uncomfortably. “He’s right, Ted, we did say that.” Yeah, clearly there’s no way around this situation.

Ted grudgingly agrees to not boot Roland ASAP, but tells everyone to be wary. “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if this guy has a police record.”

Vicki says, “HE DIDN’T DO IT, HE WAS IN CLEVELAND THAT WEEK.” Haha, way to mess with Ted, slave girl!

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Tara Rose
About Tara Rose 106 Articles
Since 2009, Tara has been writing snarky essays about pop culture, motherhood and her various neuroses at Rare Oats. She spends most of her other time selling cheese, raising a small human and goofing off with her husband Dan. E-mail:
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